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Ted Turner Acquires Funeral Home
By Cletus - Fri, Mar 12, 2010

Atlanta, GA (AP) - Media Mogul Ted Turner has bought a sprawling funeral home and graveyard out in the countryside near Atlanta, Georgia. After acquiring the surrounding 100 acres, Turner had a press conference to announce his intentions.

"I want to build the biggest funeral home and graveyard business in the world," announced Turner, "there will be none like it anywhere. Your special ones will always be loved at Turner Estates."

In a private news conference, Mr. Turner outlined his business strategy, "I plan on stepping up imports. It's a virtually untapped business. Do you know how expensive land is in Europe? or Japan? China? They have 3-4 times as many people as we do and less space. I plan on appealing to those families that want their loved ones buried respectfully and affordably."

"A European funeral can run as much as $20,000 US and you can forget the Japanese costs, they're out of this world. It costs them $400 just to play a round of golf, can you guess what a funeral costs? We plan on making the funeral service and burial as affordable as $10,000 depending on how many loved ones want to be present and how long they'll be staying in our on-site luxurious hotel."

National figures on funeral imports were not available for verification. Turner also said that he planned to buy an airline fleet and cruise ship that would constantly provide service to the Turner Estates customers.

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Report: Roethlisberger Acknowledged Sexual Contact With Accuser

older stories

PITTSBURGH -- A Pittsburgh TV station reported Wednesday that Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger told police he had consensual sexual contact with the woman who accused him of sexual assault, but there was no intercourse.


Cucumber Awarded Guinness Honor

newer stories

Beaumont, TX (AP) - Peter McElroy, of Beaumont Texas, has entered his prized cucumber into the Guinness Book of World Records.

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