Which Whore Will You Be?
El Segundo, CA (Reuters) - Chairman and CEO of Mattel Inc, Bob Eckart, announced today that Mattel will release the long awaited Barbie Crack House. Rumored to be on the drawing board for 8 years, the future collector's item has drawn much interest including its own unofficial fan club.
"I've been waiting forever for this," states Mary Feinstein, an avid 13-year old Barbie fanatic. "There's been all kinds of talk about the accessories and speculation as to whether or not Ken would be included. I'm just thrilled!"
The Crack House will reportedly come with 4 Barbie sluts, 2 policemen for a midnight raid, a various assortment of plastic drug paraphernalia, and clear rock candy for the experience to be as realistic as possible. Ken will also make his debut as the Head Daddy Pimpmaster, complete with 10 rings, a gold chain, a mid-length fur coat and a wide-brim purple felt hat.
Matthew Bousquette, President of Mattel Brands, stated that the doll was "aimed at the urban inner city market which has up to this point, not been penetrated by the Barbie brand. The children of crack whores don't have that June Cleaver stereotype to look up to, it's foreign to them. But now we've created something special that those kids can associate with. Only when they play dolls, the crack whores can always come out on top!"
Crash Baffles Officials
South River, New Jersey (Reuters) - At approximately 4:15 yesterday afternoon, a Honda Civic driven by 31-year old Monica Reyas crashed into a Ford Escape, driven by 47-year old Steven Forrester, at the intersection of Main Street and Hillside Avenue in South River, New Jersey. Officials are baffled as to how the accident happened.
Car-a-oke Unveiled For Thunderbird
Dearborn, MI (Reuters) - Ford announced today the latest of innovations in personal car luxury, the Car-a-oke. It's a system designed to display the lyrics to your favorite music directly on the front windshield of the car so the driver can sing along while ensuring the utmost in automobile safety.