New Delhi, India (AP) - Dr. A. P. J. Abdul Kalam, president of India, presented his country's application for 2nd-world status to the United Nations today. "We think we're ready for the plunge," he stated, "I mean, we've got nukes and if that ain't enough, I don't know what is."
Prime Minister Shri Atal Bihari Vajpayee held a press conference aimed at fielding questions about the unprecedented move. "Never before has a country received 2nd-world status in just 56 short years of independence, " he explained, "We intend to uphold all that is expected of us."
"There's a lot more that a 2nd-world country must do when compared to a 3rd-world country, if they want to keep their status that is," said Kofi Annan, UN Secretary General. "I mean, it's not just a walk in the park."
Proposed 2nd-world countries must be prepared to give up receiving any financial, food or medical aid from other countries. They will not be asked to provide aid to lesser countries until they apply for 1st-world status but doing so can increase their chances of retaining their position. They must also have a nuclear program started, even on the smallest level, with a certain number of nuclear reactors per capita.
A few lesser known "rules of acceptance" buried in the manifesto for 2nd-world status were uncovered after some digging.
268. All potential qualifiers must have franchising agreements with McDonalds to reach 60% of the country within 2 years.
384. All potential qualifiers must demonstrate a proficiency in Microsoft Windows and Microsoft-based products. They must also be prepared to sign a licensing agreement for all government systems, down to the state level.
When asked if India met these qualifications, the prime minister responded, "We are currently linux-based but we're prepared to ratify #384 if we're accepted." The investment to meet that particular stipulation will rival the country's entire nuclear program.
Duke, Carolina To Merge Men's Basketball Programs
Raleigh, NC (Associated Press) - Following a closely contested game between two storied powerhouse college basketball programs last week, one major declaration could be made regarding both. That is, that neither team was likely to win the NCAA tournament this season. Both former champions lacked the tools and firepower that made them champions before, and everyone from the experts down to the casual fans knew it. That's when the wheels starting turning in the heart of basketball country.
Williams' Grammy Appearance Nets Eight Voice Changes In 72 Seconds
New York, NY (Associated Press) - On a star-studded night when many celebrities would take the stage in a triumphant haze and blaze of glory, Robin Williams did the same and carried with him the harrowing pace of eight voice changes during his seventy-two second acceptance speech for Best Comedy Album at the 45th annual Grammy Awards.