Pope issues decree to merge
The Vatican, Rome (Reuters) - Until recently, all Catholic Churches had remained separate entities. The Pope has signed a decree to begin the merger of all franchises under one corporate umbrella to save on expenses.
"We'll be able to offer health-care, 401k, and a variety of other options to our loyal faithful," said Father Stan Lowkowski, "I think it's a good thing. We enjoy non-profit status but now we'll also enjoy corporate perks. I plan on getting a BMW as my company car."
"Some churches will be shut down for low revenues and we'll have an easier time firing those priests and whatnot who cost us more money than they make, if you know what I mean," states prelate Roberto Tucci of His Mother The Patron Saint of the World Church in Rome, "I mean, I estimate we'll save $1.3 billion over the next 5 years in pedophile lawsuits alone."
The Catholic Church, as an entity, already owns more land than any other entity in the world. Plans are being made to turn The Church into a "money making non-profit venture" as Archbishop Domenico D'Ambrosio put it, "I see a vision of The Church providing theme parks, financial services, and even catering facilities."
Goneass Male Syndrome Finally Cured
Durham, NC (AP) - Goneass Male Syndrome (GMS) has finally been cured by a team of doctors and scientists at Duke Hospital in Durham, North Carolina. The debilitating disease slowly trims away a man's buttocks as a part of the aging process.
Professional Back Scratching School Opened
Yazoo City, MS (UPI) - The Professional Back Scratching Institute has just opened in Mississippi and promises to teach "healing through scraping" as the latest in bodily pampering.